WORD

I haven't made an entry in here in quite a while. I've just been too busy. Recently moved back to AZ, and it feels amazing besides being completely broke. I moved into a house about a week ago with Ben and Austin and it is absolutely fantastic. Living in a house is way more chill than in an apartment, of course. My friends Justin and Eric left yesterday to go on a wilderness expedition they had been planning. They won't be back for another month. Hopefully they won't be too severely mauled (or raped) by anything. I have to sell my car soon to help out with the increasing debt we owe on the house, which blows but at least I'll be getting back in shape on the bike. Overall, things are looking up.

Scattered

I painted a picture on the wall. It was beautiful, sound, and concrete. But I was too modest like always. So, the picture left the wall feeling forsaken and rejected seeking acceptance. The picture saw things walking down the street amongst the crowd that it had never seen. It saw diversity. The picture liked this new found diversity. It saw beauty which it could not comprehend. It saw hatred which hit it like a brick in the face. No longer did that innocence blind it. The picture felt alive for the first time. It had no boundaries, no limits, and no rules to follow. It could do whatever it wanted. The picture was not aware of society's boundaries, limits, and rules therefore it did exactly what it saw fit. The picture stole. The picture killed. The picture ran naked through the streets. The picture told every person he was hopelessly in love with them. The picture looted. The picture burned houses down. The picture broke into department stores and graffiti'ed nonsense all over the walls. The picture had sex with animals. The picture did whatever it wanted. Society shunned it for these things. It was cast out from everything. Lost, defeated, and broken-spirited the picture had nowhere to run, nowhere to flee to. No one to call up and say, "Hey, help me out, man. I'm in a jam." The picture missed me. It wished desperately that I would come and rescue it. Of course, how could I forgive the picture for what it did? It totally just abandoned me with no sign of remorse or regret, until now. There would be no reconciliation. Ostracized from everything, the picture was prone to do one thing only. It found a desolate, blank wall. The picture painted a picture on the wall. It was beautiful, sound, and concrete. But the picture was too modest like always.

Iron Man

Iron Man. Iron Man I am. I crush the spirits of every child, woman, and man. Iron Man. Iron Man I am. Solitude is my fortress, and I it's captain. I have no inflictions, I bare the inflictions. I laugh at incompetence, humanity is incompetence. Iron Man. Iron Man I am. I don't need friends or acquaintances, they only provide instability and weakness. Iron Man. Iron Man I am.


Desperate Man. Desperate Man I am. I am the lonely man. I know no adversity, but I know no love. Friends forgot my name years ago. Desperate Man. Desperate Man I am. Nobody calls, I call people to inform them on how I'm doing. Ocean waves know me better than anybody. Desperate Man. Desperate Man I am. I cast pebbles in a lake only to get a reaction. I know human interaction just like the desert recognizes a snowstorm. I hate myself just to have memories of other people. Desperate Man. Desperate Man I am. I died 20 years ago. Can you remember me? Desperate Man. Desperate Man I am.


Iron man. Iron man I am. You say you're happy when really you're just filling this superficial void you created when you were a child. You know happiness just like I know failure. And what do you know about anything? I conquer. I divide. I am the do all and end all. I am the Alpha and the Omega. Iron Man. Iron man I am. I am self-reliable. I am THE oppressor of everything. What do you know about progression? I lift a finger and the world progresses. I lift a finger and buildings collapse. I lift a finger and oceans divide. I lift a finger and planets implode. I lift a finger and war occurs. I lift a finger and genocide occurs. I lift a finger and it's the worst day of your life. Iron man. Iron man I am.


Desperate Man. Desperate Man I am. I fake happiness. I rely on TV sitcoms for emotional structural support. Desperate Man. Desperate Man I am. I'm your complete worst nightmare, and I can't comprehend why. I'm metal scraping on a chalkboard to you. Desperate Man. Desperate Man I am. I've got nothing left. Nothing to lose. I smile, you frown. You avoid me wherever you turn, wherever you go. You'd rather jump out in front of a bus than to share a word with me. You're obnoxious with your distance. I've been distant for too long. I'm livid. I'm a thorn that's been blooming for years. I feed off awkwardness. I feed off your insecurities. I feed off tragedy. Iron Man. Iron Man I am.

In Response To...

Store plenty of gasoline in the car. Buy some lighter fluid. Put the key in the ignition. Drive far away. Forget all the people you know. Turn the radio up as far as it can go. Ignore stop signs, road hazards, and speed limits. Go as fast as your speedometer can take you. Stop for nothing. Drive for sanity. Disregard hunger pains. Drive faster if it rains. The road is your enemy. Burn it up. Don't worry about driving correctly. Just drive. When you absolutely cannot drive any longer, find a remote place and park the car. Burn it up. Vacate the area and walk home.

Don Knott-Knowing

You know...I'm afraid of being THAT guy. The guy that enters a room and everybody says, "Oh, here's THAT guy." I don't want to be afraid. But I am. The guy that everybody is just kind of uncertain about. "Like, what is up with THAT guy?" I can hear 'em now. I can't help but laugh. Everybody laughs and says, "Oh, THAT guy." I can't help but laugh.

OUTKAST

Dont let em Dont let em Dont let em Dont let em Change us Change us Change us Change us

We got dem bootleg Idlewild dvd's I got dat dro I got dat light green

Starts off like a small-town mary Lovely wife and life Baby carriage Now all the stars and cars Hollywood Divorce...

YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH BADAYADAYA BODEODEODEO BAYAYADAYADA BODEODEODEO

My heat is in the trunk along with that quad knock No my heart don't pump no koolaid Quickly They ain't gone get me Got somethin' fo em The devil up in yo grill and you still don't even know 'em Show 'em Who's the ok

Step into my shoes You crews sittin' on truths And those for the hoes only when we rollin' through Atlanta skies be blue The sun is beamin' it seemin' That I glisten Rather gleaming

LAST FUCKING SHOW, MAN!

It's blank/life's last show tonight. It's going to be a great time. I'm going to miss the shit out of nights like these.

Friday 2-06-09 12:28 PM

This woman that works at the US Airways place that I cater every Friday walked into the breakroom where I set up wearing this particular shirt that I've seen probably more than a hundred times. She seemed as if her mid-life crisis rushed into an Usher video.

Said shirt read:

• Authentic
• Nurturing
• Giving
• Enthusiastic
• Loyal

And I asked myself, could it be? Could she be my guardian angel?

Ignorant Asshole

Perpetually Broken, I stumble everywhere. Maybe they were right, out of step, out of tune, out of sync. Can I swallow glass to keep me from spitting these words? I want somebody here, right in front of me, to strip me completely. Make me unlearn everything I've fought to retain. You know, someone tough. Someone not like me. Not an ignorant asshole. I need to be wise, but that's never going to happen. I need someone to fuck me up. When I push myself to conceive that I'm at war with all I'm really the one to fault. I'm at war with myself. I'm an ignorant asshole, and I, I loathe, no, I unbelievably despise ignorant assholes. Just throw me in a courtyard, bound and blinded. Make me eat dirt, Make me frightened. Make me a savior, or even a martyr for all the ignorant assholes. I mean, this is the only possible way I can learn from my mistakes, right? It doesn't matter what our friendship was. It doesn't matter that I could nay receive anymore than I've given away. But, oh, how quickly I forget, I'm an ignorant asshole. I'm darkness plummeting down a neverending hole. I'm an ignorant asshole. Yes, I'm sincere. But I'm sincere about my criticism. I'm sincere with my hate. I'm sincere with my disdain for everything. Compassion? For me? Remember now, young lad, ignorant assholes don't deserve the slightest amount of compassion. I need to be stripped. And you're the chosen one. You can kill me. You can pluck this ignorant asshole out of this world. Come on, boy, you can do it. What are you afraid of? We're all in this together. I hate, judge, and ruin and you fight, save, and give back hope. It's an eternal cycle. It's an everlasting struggle between good and evil. But the crowd knows Good always wins. Ignorant assholes always lose. Ignorant assholes always retire in shame. Ignorant assholes always fail, right? You can't cleanse me. You can't purify me. I'm a goner. Once an ignorant asshole, always an ignorant asshole. Just put me in the grave. Throw me in the lion's den. This isn't about me now. It's about you. It's solely upon you. You bare the brunt of victory. It's always completely about you. Wipe me out. Take me out. Burn me. Make me ash. Come on you fucking genius, stomp me out. I deserve so, right? Of course. I'm an ignorant asshole. Let the congregation know, that everything's a-go. The savior, the martyr, is ready to go. I'm ready to float into the black abyss of nothingness. Or dead some might call it. You threw me in the courtyard, bound and blinded. You made me a savior, a saint, in the name of all ignorant assholes. You stoned me. You hung me. You dragged my carcass around the same pool of dirt you made me partake of. You rid the earth of the ignorant asshole. I'm gone. I'm a goner. Oh, but the memory of the ignorant asshole is still alive. It's feeding upon the thoughts of people like you. It's feeding upon the thoughts of innocent bystanders. My memory is a festering, bloody wound. It's fresh. It's growing. It's like an infection. It will grow to influence. There will be a multitude of ignorant assholes before you have the time to blink. I'm like the sun rotting the eyes out of anything that stares at me. I may be finished, but there will be more. You've failed to remember, no matter how many times you wipe me out, no matter how many times you lock me up, no matter how many times you cross me out, no matter how many times you rid the world of me, no matter how many times you kill this, best friend, there will always be an ignorant asshole.

Hello fake holiday, Hello ladies.

Moving...

I'm moving back to South Carolina the second week in March. I'm going back to school in the fall and for that I'm greatly excited. Actually, I'm semi-excited just to be going back to South Carolina, minus the fact I'm going to back to school. I have to sell almost everything I own to be able to afford going back, but miraculously it's not phasing me much. Out with the old, in with the new. Definitely going to miss some people here. I've met some the raddest people I've ever met here. I won't be gone forever though. In other great news, Matt is coming to visit within the next two weeks and it's gonna be fugggin' awesome. Blank/Life's scheduled last show is Feb. 27th at Justine's and Alice's birthday bash thing. I'm trying to arrange for Blank/Life to play a secret last show at the Shitty Tea-Pot on the 28th, ya know, to commemorate the place and the friends we've made just hanging out there. The next month should have in store some rad and sad (no intent to rhyme) times. Also, I might be going to United Blood in late March. Cro-Mags, Converge, and Coliseum are scheduled to play!!! Off for grub.

You are not your tattoos.

Oh, God...

It's been 3 months since my last confession, Father. I'm an incredibly, dirty, filthy whore. Cleanse me, dear God. Sway me from the shameful sins of the human flesh. Rescue me, Holy Father, from this wicked, tempting, secular world. I'm buring in the sinews of fornication and perversion. Please, oh Jehovah, turn my ungodly life around. Purge me of that new-age disease. Thy rod can comfort me, all night long that is. Fill me with that holy dick, Father. I want to be cleansed. I want to be fucking cleansed!!!! Fuck my sinful, little brains out, goddamnit! Make me whole again. Take me back to the innocence of my childhood. Restore my virginity forevermore. Restore my virginity, then make me come all over the place. You can do it, Father. OOHHHH, YEAH!!! YOU CAN DO IT, FATHER. OH, YEAH...YES!!!! FGEYHHDJSJSUEUE! Make me whole! Make me holy, yeah, just like that! I want to know what holiness is. Teach me you stud. Teach me right. I've been a bad, little secular girl. Fuck me until I'm right. Turn the other cheek, Father. You know what that means. Oh, YEAH!!!!!!! PURGE!!!! DEEPER! PURGE ME!!! PLUNGE ME! TEACH ME,FATHER!!! OH, YES! FUCK YES!! OOHHHHHHHH! NO, YEAH, NOT THERE, THERE!!!! HAHAHA, YEAAHHHH!! YEEHAWWW!! FUCK ME! OH, YES, FUCK ME, FATHER! OOH...OOH...OOHH, YEAH! Yeah! OOOOHHHH!!! AHHH! Ahh...OOHH, YEAH! Ahh... Alright, that'll be $250, Father!

Whoever said that the best remedy for loneliness is to be alone is the fattest liar.

Although, I did finally realize today that I'm a hopeless romantic.

Holy Damn!

Today felt great. I haven't felt what I felt today in quite a while. It's great to feel like the day wasn't a total waste. Tyler, Pat, and I woke up today at approximately 10:30 and drove to downtown Phoneix to see Notorious. It was just...ok. Nothing excellent. It reminded me of one those shows that they constantly play on VH1. We snuck in to see Slumdog Millionares after Notorious. It was fuggin' brilliant. Later on, we stopped to eat before the mountain conquering. We rode up to Squawl Peak to check it out. We hiked for around 2 and half hours. We reached the top within an hour and a half or so. I went hiking a week ago too, so it's feeling great to start back hiking again. I got to pee on the mountaintop, both times! I'm gaining more things on my list of what I've done on a mountaintop. It was awesome. Afterwards, we went back to Pat's to drop him off and pick up the stuff I traded with Pat. He traded me a dance record, a Grover Washington Jr. record, and most importantly an original first printer pressed copy of one of Henry Rollins first books, for a Municipal Waste record and Tragedy's self-titled record. It was definitely worth the trade. Fuck YEAH!!! I need to start doing this on here more than in my actual worn notebook. Today was definitely a success. Nap time was earlier, NOW IT'S TIME FOR ICE CREAM!